Bad**s Women Negotiators -- Bernadette Lukonde
““I pulled my chair (in front of this rebel commander) and went and sat in front of him and looked at him. . . he is a muslim. . . and according to Islamic norms he did not want to look directly at a woman, . . .
so, he looked away. . . but stole some glances at me. . .
and later admitted that he would agree to talk as long as I was present. . . “”
Dear Sisters,
It truly bugs me that there is still such a hidden -- or NOT SO HIDDEN -- bias that “negotiators” are male, usually white, and dress in a navy suit.
It bugs me because, while certainly men around the world are doing most of the decision and deal-making, we women are negotiating all the time.
It also bugs me because so many women don’t realize what great instincts and embedded skill we have with negotiation.
I would like to turn that around and support women globally to negotiate with the best possible skill, impact and influence
Patriarchal models have left us believing that negotiation is an adversarial power struggle where the winner takes all or, at the very least, compromise and settling for less is the name of the game.
I call this man-mode negotiation.
Donald Trump is the archetype of this style. He brags to the world that he is a first-class negotiator while, in fact, he is more of a coercive bully. That is not negotiation -- that is "win-lose" domination.
Research tells us that the most successful negotiators view the negotiation process as an opportunity for both parties to have their primary needs expressed and met. The better negotiations are "win-win", with both parties getting more of what they want in the end. And in the interdependent world in which we live, where reputation, relationships and repeat sales are critical, it is crucial that both sides be satisfied. . . again and again.
Periodically, in this blog, I plan to showcase for you some video interviews of Bad**s Women Negotiators, starting here with Bernadette Lukonde. Bernadette's job is to walk into the middle of conflict zones and convince armed rebel leaders to lay down their weapons. She does this with amazing grace, skill, humility and yes, beauty. I think she is hard to say no to.
Bernadette works with the Disarmament, Demobilization and Re-integration (DDR) unit of the UN Peacekeeping Mission in the Central African Republic (MINUSCA). Originally from Zambia she has done this work for the last 13 years in Sierra Leone, Sudan, S Sudan, Mali, and now in the Central African Republic (CAR). I met her in CAR a few months back when I was delivering a negotiation and leadership program to women peacekeepers.
I asked her how it serves her to be a woman in doing this incredibly difficult and dangerous work.
“Men don’t like to be challenged by a woman” she said.
She believes that it is more likely that rebel leaders will listen to her because she is a woman. "it softens the man’s stance -- it is easier for the rebel leader to talk and listen to her."
And, she says, it gives hope to the women in the communities she visits deep in the bush -- who along with kids are always that hardest hit by conflict -- to see a woman leading the way on the negotiation team.
““When the women see me it brings them some hope — ‘mama, you will talk to them like a mother and when you talk to them like a mother maybe they will listen and understand.’” ~ Bernadette Lukonde”
So click the the link below if you'd like to hear my full conversation with Bernadette and please share this with any woman who you think might be interested.
Honestly, if our goal is to create a more collaborative, peaceful and sustainable world, my hunch is that we women need to lead the way -- one negotiation at a time.
